Monthly Archives: March 2013

IDLEMINDSET | YOU DON’T MATTER BABY, NEVER MIND

In the last one week, there’s been plenty of evils afoot. It seems that everything went haywire just because we took a one-week break from blogging. Take a look at the list: pardons were granted irresponsibly to criminals, a pope was elected faster than we could watch the smoke, comedic memes were exploding across the naijanet,  and Jim Iyke wore shorts to some sort of movie award.

All the bett

In which he carefully demonstrated the size of his balls to the audience.

We’re so sorry about all of that. We’ll try hard not to let things go bananas again. But, meanwhile, today we will examine the pardon issue—by kicking you in the shinbone, and waking you up to the realities of Nigerian life. If you’re a Nigerian and you don’t know what we mean by “the pardon issue”, then get off the internet and go weep in a corner. If you’re not a Nigerian, then just read this Wikipedia article to get you started.

You will need the intestinal fortitude to handle a great deal of bullshit.

You will also need the intestinal fortitude required to handle a great deal of bullshit.

Of course  some things have not changed. The current president of Nigeria is still pulling stunts of the most incomprehensible kind, the first lady is still doling out cash to law school students, and the defenders of the president are still defending the president.

Abati looks like he would have made a better hitman.

Also Abati still looks like an unsophisticated hitman.

But despite all these,  it has actually become harder to criticize the president—not because there’s been a reworking of government thinking—but because things are so screwed up you won’t even know where to begin the untangling anymore. So, instead, we tend to treat the president like that negligent boyfriend of yours: you don’t mind if he continues to screw up as long as he pays lip service to the relationship.  And we rest content in the knowledge that sometime, very soon, we will kick him out.

"I know he's an asshole, mom, but he brings me goodluck."

“I know he’s an asshole, mom, but he brings me goodluck.”

But despite all of these allowances, the government isn’t content with your indifference. Instead, the government is intent on raping you as painfully as possible. And so the aforementioned Goodluck Jonathan, in another logically incomprehensible action, pardons Diepreye Alamieyeseigha (of late, an ex-convict and a felon) in a way that is essentially GEJ grabbing you by the shoulder, spinning you around forcefully and shoving his big black butt in your face in a grand “kiss my ass” gesture.

The insult is more painful than the injury.

Result: the insult is more painful than the injury.

And that’s very very painful, because you got served, citizen sucker!

"You guys really don't matter. Let's just stop this pretense."

“Deal. With. It”

Whether as a society or as individuals, folks enjoy the feeling of importance. And therefore, a primary reason for ranting against GEJ’s pardon is because he thumbed his nose at the general opinion of the public-–and he made no pretense about it. Of course, strictly speaking, few Africans expect the government to toe the line of the people, but there is an ingrained comfortable illusion that the government bothers all the same. We like to think that, as citizens, we matter to our government. And as a general rule, most governments also try to pretend that their citizens matter to them.

LOL!

Judging by mottoes alone, we have the best public services.

And so GEJ pushed aside that illusion and put us in our place. He made it clear that he doesn’t owe the Nigerian public any apology. He’s right to an extent: you cannot fault the legality of the pardon; the average citizen is not directly affected by the criminal record of the beneficiary of the pardon; and according to news, the people of Bayelsa are jubilant over the pardon.  But still, you say, GEJ is “our” president. He ought to listen to us and consult us—especially in this fight against corruption.

"He didn't even tell me before he signed the document."

“He didn’t even tell us before he signed the document.”

And that’s your lesson for today: as a Nigerian living under a Nigerian government, your opinion is irrelevant. Get used to this idea and stop being a crybaby. While there is no guarantee that another government will perform better, there is the singular fact that this government really doesn’t care. As much as it gives some emotional release, ranting will not change the mediocrity of government. It will highlight and showcase it, maybe. But it won’t change it. The government is only stirred by the action of the people, not by their opinion. The best you can do, in the absence of any action, is to laugh—hard and long at the comedy of our own existence.  And speaking of laughter:

"I am the Oga at the Top."

“What do you mean I should not grant a pardon to my Oga at the top?”

No, we didn’t forget our comedy event of the year. You see, when the gods declare that you are destined to become a meme, nothing in this world can stop it.

IDLEMINDSET | A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

This is to inform the general public that…. No, no, that wouldn’t do. That’s the kind of  prelude that sends a shiver up your spine.  There’s something terrifying about information to “the general public” that makes a person nervous when the words are spoken. We can’t put a finger on this, but we know it has a lot to do with growing up under the era of government-owned TV stations. You just know that any information for the “general public” is going to be detrimental to your welfare.

a

The noticeboard for the Headmaster

So instead of that “public service” crap, we will just proceed with our usual flair. Today, on Idlemindset, if possible, we will discuss some less controversial issues. There will be no politics, no religion and no Arsenal.

Our apologies.

No comment.

You see, as clearly stated in today’s title and hinted in the first paragraph, we have a minor announcement for our constant readers. Brace yourselves, folks, our announcement is coming—we are dumping this blog in search of greener pastures.

The papacy is a source of inspiration to us all.

The papacy is a source of inspiration to us all.

Just kidding. This is the real announcement:  for a while, we will be updating Idlemindset fortnightly instead of weekly. Why? Because we are currently working on a book—and we have gotten to that stage of production where the slightest distraction can set every plan off tangent. Of course, your weekly dose of polite sarcasm and social irreverence is important to us, but we have to give up some of our pharmaceutical duties. So, you can close this page now and get back to work.

Work comes in different shapes and tackling.

Work comes in different shapes and tackling.

But if you’re interested in little details such as the title of the book, what kind of book, and how often do we brush our teeth, well here’s a little information. Its a collection of sorry tales and so the title is, unimaginatively, Sorry Tales. We could try and tell you more now, but publishers and editors being such assholes, we never really know what’s going to come out from the printing presses. But here’s a tip on the book: plenty people get blown up, others get shot, some folks fall in love, others plot strategies and build empires, lots of very exciting things. What we lack in imaginative titles, we make up for in imaginative stories.

A woman is "just relaxing" in one place, dead and resurrected in another.

Just like the First Lady.

Meanwhile, instead of twiddling your thumbs and waiting for us to post something more stimulating than a book announcement, you can check out some of our earlier posts (there’s plenty excitement in there too!) and also subscribe for notifications of new postings by clicking a button somewhere on the left side of this page. If that doesn’t really do it for you, or you think we’re really, really just being idle, well, you can write a book too. 🙂

Once you get the pipe, the rest is easy.

Once you get the pipe, the rest is easy.

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