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IDLEMINDSET | GIRLS, WOMEN AND EVEN MORE FEMALES

Today, we’ll talk about women —because we like women a lot on Idlemindset and also because, recently, it has been a trend on the social media and blogging circuits to decry rape, violence against women and other forms of abuse against the feminine sex, and we are eager to lend a voice to this crusade. You can read some enlightening and heart-aching articles here, here, also here and here. And unless your heart was formed from the offspring of a one night stand between a chunk of diamond and a piece of granite, you would whip out your anti-rape cutlass and go after the heads of rapists with the vengeance of a traumatized father.

An eye for an eye and a thrust for a thrust.

The punishment will be made to fit the crime—like a well tailored glove.

Of course, there is nothing funny about rape, and so we will address this issue with the level of sobriety it deserves—with plenty cussing and wanton spitting. So if you can’t cuss and spit where you are, just fix an expression of metaphysical seriousness on your face while reading this post, and it will be quite appropriate for the occasion.

Also, keep your fingers on Alt+tab and your boss will be none the wiser.

Also, keep your fingers on Alt+tab and your boss will be none the wiser.

Now, most religious and social philosophies firmly place the blame for rape on the feminine of the species—because, you see, intelligence is neither spiritual nor cultural. But that fucked-up mindset has found less ground today: women, having wisened-up in this current civilization, have, also, not been hesitant in throwing back the blame at the male of the species for being incontinent assholes. And so the blame game between male offenders and provocative females goes back and forth—because, you see, intelligence is also neither masculine nor feminine.

Face it, men have the weaker bargaining position.

This argument can be taken back and forth—and there’s plenty talk on that—on who is more to blame between the provocatively dressed female and the perverted mentally disturbed male. But today we want to shift blame to a third category of people who inspire the fucked up mentalities that allow violence against women: women themselves. And by “women”, we do not refer to that hot girl in a tight bikini that you have in mind already; but to the general category of females who are the first to cast stones against their fellow women on issues of gender relations and violence against women. You know those kind of women: the ones with the “serves you right” mentality.

"Go ye into the world and judge all nations. Yep. that's how Jesus said it."

“Go ye into the world and judge all nations. Yep. that’s how Jesus said it.”

These are the kind of women who promote laws that limit women’s freedom of dressing and appearance, or promote ideas like this insane website geared towards returning women to the era when a man can marry a woman by simply carrying her off  the streets and into his house. But not all women are as straight-up treacherous as to sponsor a law against “indecent” dressing or promoting an association to suppress female progress. Most times, encouraging violence against women is effected in the most subtle of ways—through the wacky gender philosophies that women teach their children and also through the promotion, by women, of what Wikipedia calls: ideologies of male sexual entitlement.

"No honey, no bikini. Good girls wear gowns to the beach."

“No honey, there’s no bikini for you. Good girls wear gowns to the beach.”

Children are born without any impressions of male and female norms; but society, through the parents, impresses them with relevant social discrimination.  This discrimination includes ethnic, national, race and gender types. And from a sociological observatory point of view, we can safely say that while fathers mostly indoctrinate the children in political discriminations,  mothers are generally responsible for the ultimate mindset of the child in gender relations.

"John, you'll become the President. Janet, you'll become a president's wife. Now smile."

“John, you’ll become the President. Janet, you’ll become a president’s wife. Now smile both of you.”

Therefore, a male child who grows up with the impression that men are superior to women or that girls who dress expressively are sluts, available for his taking, will eventually mature into the kind of man who takes provocative dressing as an excuse to rape a woman—or even children. And a girl who is taught by her mother that she will be raped if she dresses sexily will have no sympathy for women who get raped—instead she will advise the female victim to dress more decently and to accept the female role of subservience. But, that is the fucked-up thing about rape—no excuse can, or should be allow to, justify its existence.  Instead, maybe the most appropriate way to rehabilitate a rapist is to chain him up in a room with photographs of naked women until he learns that the mere existence of something does not make it available for the taking.

"If its on display, then it must be free of charge." Wrong.

“If its on display, then it must be free of charge.” Wrong.

But men in general, and rapists in particular, are never going to understand that fundamental logic that a woman’s body is her body and nobody else’s, until women themselves begin to drum this fact into men’s heads—in both ways. A woman’s body is not for her father, not for her brothers, uncles, nephews, boyfriend, husband, society nor God.  Yes, God is included in this list because—the last time we checked, the Big One is not interested in the maleness or femaleness of a human body. On the plus side, at least someone got arrested for stating that Islam permits rape.

His beard was confiscated as a tool of sexual harassment.

The punishment was a lap dance from gay prostitutes.

And that’s the lesson today for you women, and you dads. The more you encourage the idea that women who do not cover themselves from head to toe are definitely inviting sexual abuse, the more you give an excuse to rapists to commit atrocities. Even more importantly, women are duty bound to their own sex to unite and fight against laws and religious and social norms that repress women and give men the excuse to be physically abusive.

IDLEMINDSET | HEY! HERE COMES THE BRIDE

Today’s title is a bad pun; used in mocking deference to our current social trauma. You see, folks here love us some noise-making activity: weddings, funerals, protests. And, what with the rainy season and the gloomy dreariness of the political landscape and the entertainment industry, we’re quite ripe for some serious noise-making.

"What do we want?" "Scandals!" "Where do we want it?" "Nollywood!"

“What do we want?” “Scandals!” “Where do we want it?” “Nollywood!”

Luckily, the legislature gave us one that’s as morally provoking as an episode of Big Brother Africa. You know the gist already, but let’s rehash it briefly. Sometime last week, the Senate decided to try their hands at a good deed. Maybe it was the Ramadan season and they were feeling especially pious, or maybe the air-conditioning was bad, but somehow they got off their fat asses and voted to delete a provision from the Constitution with the undeclared intention of saving young girls from being  hustled into early marriages. Except that they did not consider Yerima whom, as a kid, all the little girls used to laugh at and call names.

"Soon. Very soon."

“Soon. Very soon.”

And so the devil was waiting in the details, Yerima, our infamous monster, wasted no time in being dickish about the first vote;  like a petulant child, he harangued the tired legislators into a brain-freeze, and before you could shout  “ChildNotBride!” he had cowed the Senate into a re-vote where he managed to scuttle the original idea. Their attempt at living a righteous life suitably thwarted, the Senators took the matter as a sign from God, and moved on to the more pressing and less-controversial matters of financial allocations and self remunerations.

"It's a simple matter," said David Mark, "The Senate giveth and the Senate taketh away."

“It’s a simple matter,” said David Mark sagaciously. “The Senate giveth and the Senate taketh away.”

However,  some of us idle folks would not be so easily persuaded by this drama, and soon the catapults were unslung, and a barrage of accusatory and reformative missives were directed at Abuja. Loud and clear, the noise began. Across the country. Folks  poured out to sign petitions—both clear and unclear—in a bid to put a lid on the mess being boiled by the Senate. The social media had its day, and frantic energy fizzled in the tweets. World War Three was all set for a launch date and somewhere, a senator  cursed the day they decided to amend the goddamn Constitution in the first place.

The AC contractor has got a lot of explaining to do.

The AC contractor has got a lot of explaining to do.

Now we’re not here to rain on the protesting parade. Not at all. In fact, we dig all of this. It’s all very healthy and inspiring. You see, few things improve the mind like a little protest now and then. But with one condition: if you gotta protest,  then don’t fuck around—figuratively and literally. You see, Nigeria has been a great place for fucking around—and that becomes quite boring after a few decades. The government knows the fucking around cycle too well and it takes advantage of it too often. The cycle is like this: first comes the blunder, next comes the hoopla, and then afterwards, yesterday’s hot topic becomes “stale gist”, and life moves on.

And then we can start cracking bad jokes about it.

And then we can move on to the bad jokes.

Here’s the question: how long can you sustain your current enthusiasm before your attention is captivated by the next trending topic? Sure, there’s a new bride in town, but don’t mistake the wedding for the marriage. Do not confuse novelty with passion, and restlessness with activism. Sometimes, what  gets the noise going is merely the general infatuation for the new bride, but the fight has to go on even after the noise quietens. And here’s the lesson for today: if you must have a bride: marry her—don’t just wed her; if you must protest a government policy: fight it to the end—don’t just make some temporary noise.

Oh, one more thing: #ChildNotBride!

IDLEMINDSET | THE BAD LITTLE BLOG

Here’s the good news, folks: our blog rolled a year over the weekend! And as irrelevant as it may seem,we’ve spent a full year tormenting you with unsolicited tips on life, religion, citizenship, sex and visions of a fourth term by President Goodluck Jonathan. And speaking of that, for those of you who have been with us all the way, you know that our favourite villain has been, second only to the Arsenal football team, Goodluck Jonathan himself. And we expect to continue to toss out more cheap shots as we anticipate 2015.

he couldn't

“I still don’t give a damn.” the President responded exasperatedly.

Now, if you’re anything like us, you probably enjoy our little lessons and morals—and forget these as soon as you close the web page. But if you’re one of those few people who actually manage to learn some stuff from this blog, possibly making insightful comments on our posts, and even referencing us in conversations with the uncool folks who’ve never read this blog—then, wow! We absolutely love you! But also, get a life—and remember to send us a tithe of your livestock when you become rich and famous.

"Idlemindset fan?" "Idlemindset fan." "Put it there, bro."

“Idlemindset fan?” “Idlemindset fan.” “Put it there, bro.”

And that’s why today, we won’t dabble into any homegrown aphorisms, but instead, we’ll tell you our own version of the classic stories of the good little boy and the bad little  boy—by Mark Twain. And while you can read the original stories here and here, we assure you that own version is more suitable for today’s fast paced money chasing environment as well as for your understandably, literary-challenged state of mind.

Anything written earlier than 2001 need not apply.

Alright, any one of you written earlier than 2001 need not apply.

Now, let’s start with the story of the good little blog. See, there was this little blog that was eager to grow up into something kickass. It was out to educate the world, enlighten the minds of folks and make the earth a better place for drinking coffee. This noble blog had plenty visions and then some more: all of which were of the highest, faultless quality. It had no plans to make profit or benefit itself , it just wanted to improve the world. And so it started out with a stream of nice articles: incisive, well written, excellent lexis, and no bad words like “fuck” or “shit” and all the other words that make people drop their public jaws in terror. It was a very nice blog, giving credit whenever it borrowed material, never stole an article and never insulted any of the other blogs.

The other blogs were handling themselves just fine.

Actually, the other blogs were damaging themselves just fine.

When our good little blog got kicking, it attracted a few readers—like everything new. But because it had no scandal or gossip to offer, the few readers who came over were not impressed, and eventually they stopped visiting the blog and soon forgot about it totally. The only comments on the posts were from trolls and spambots and the good little blog had to close the comments page just to avoid the headache of deleting these undesirables. But a hacker got into the blog and put up a nasty picture on the blog’s homepage—just for the “lulz”. The blog was shut down by the hosting site, and (just for the “lulz”) the hosts sued the good little blog for a million dollars and won—because the good little blog tried to be all logical and stuff when it appeared in court. Unable to use logic to pay the hard cash, the good little blog was sold off and it died in ignominy, forever unremarkable.

"Crappy"  can also mean "way above my head."

“Crap” can mean a lot of things—depending on who’s being asked.

Meanwhile in another part of the country, there was the bad little blog–and when we say “bad”, we mean—fucking horrible—its only goal was to make money, and there was no story that was too low for it to publish. It stole articles from other blogs with dismissive elan. It never educated anybody and never wrote about ideas. Instead it was  the ultimate jerk: willing to take bribes to suppress true stories, while setting up untrue stories (about celebrities) and nasty stories (about ordinary folks). In fact, this bad little blog was quite adept at stirring up controversies and shit. Naturally, everyone complained about the bad little blog, but this bad blog was a splendid hypocrite, carefully using “s*x” for “sex” whenever the need arose—and somehow its page-views kept rising along with its readership, commentary and advertisers. Especially, the advertisers.

"When we said: Everywhere You Go, we were merely referring to the websites you visit!"

“When we said: Everywhere You Go, we were merely referring to the websites you visit.”

The bad little blog eventually became a giant website and ranked first in the whole country. Because of its popularity, it easily won respectable awards, consistently receiving the title of Most Distinguished Blog of the Year, Best Political Blog of the Year, Awesomely Distracting Blog of the Year and such other fancy titles. It even got into the inspirational racket—making money off folks while pretending to give revelations about stuff that was freely available on the internet—if only the audience would get off their collective asses and do a Google search. Well, you know the rest of the story—our bad little blog earned big, entered politics as the official government spokesblog and when it retired, it was widely praised as an innovator in the blogging  industry, although no one could quite say for certain what this bad little blog innovated that was useful to the society.

Well, except maybe the lesson above.

Well, except maybe the lesson above.

And of course, you know the moral for today. You already know the point we’re trying to make all along: that is, Idlemindset is a good little blog which is gradually dying because folks are more interested in entertainment than in enlightenment; and that you need to change your ways so that this blog can help you become a better person. Right?

Wrong.

You see, we are a bad little blog, and we’ve been quite good at being naughty. What’s more, we’re quite chuffed that you’ve stayed with us all the rascally way.  And here’s our lesson for today: You, our Idlemindset folks, are the coolest. You rock, dudes, you rock!

Remember to follow @idlemindset on Twitter as we plan to send the first Nigerian politician to the moon—without space gear.

IDLEMINDSET | PASTOR ADEBOYE, LORD LUGARD AND YOUR PERSONAL GAME

First let’s take a deep sigh for those who died in Kaduna yesterday. There’s nothing funny about that. What’s funny, however, is that the presidency requires even more money to feed the guests and residents of Aso Rock. That is freaking hilarious.  Its the height of a ridiculous lack of  a sense of irony—gets my funny bone every time I think of it.

All those Occupy Nigeria placards? A waste.

Let’s not kid ourselves, this country is sick. And not sick—crazy, like this awesome blog. Sick—dying,  like poor Somalia. And as much as we all hate to talk about the problems of  Nigeria on a Monday morning, let’s quickly highlight a few symptoms of this sickness: (i) an economy that no one in government or the CBN seems to understand, (ii) a government that is all motion and no movement, (iii) an electricity situation that got better and then got worse, (iv) a fuel scarcity that is gradually becoming the norm.

(v) Tonto Dikeh venturing into music…

But our happy sickness is not the news today. Ekekeee and the other user-friendly blogs will happily give you all the information you need.  The next question, however, and the grit of today’s serving is: what the fuck are you planning to do about the situation?

This response is allowed only if you’re ten and younger. And a girl. And silly.

Well, Pastor Adeboye says Nigerians should pray more. And since that venerable man is the closest Nigerians have to placing God’s number on speed dial, I suppose we should listen to him tolerantly. But Pastor Adeboye fails to mention that a lack of prayers is not Nigeria’s problem.  C’mon, if there was a world praying tournament, Nigeria would pray the shit out of every other country. We would kick the Vatican’s ass when it comes to prayer, any day, anytime. Bring it on.

We would kick it so hard, the Pope would be forced to declare Nigeria a Holy Land.

And here’s something else Pastor Adeboye fails to mention: God has no specific contract to safeguard Nigeria, only Israel—the Biblical one—was given that reassurance. Nigeria was purely Lugard’s administrative business—there was nothing divine about it’s formation.

Nigerian girls, though? Divine!

Here’s also what Pastor Adeboye fails to mention:  his own church mandate is not restricted to Nigeria—or the continued existence of Nigeria. It may have started in Nigeria, but it has long gone international.

Also, to be fair, the job description read; “Go ye into all the world…”

When that doomsday we seem headed for finally knocks on the door with a cheery face, the swollen politicians, the big businessmen, a few celebrities and the global religious players will most likely slip out of the hellhole and migrate to continue business safely in sane parts of the world. Of course, we can’t say for certain what any single pastor will do in those days of crisis (we can!), but is a surer bet to assume that the day when pushes come to kick-ass shoving, a Nigerian pastor will take personal comfort over suffering for the masses.

“Relax! We’re all in this together. Right?”

And when safely ensconced in the arms of any of the RCCG parishes in at least 14 other countries, Pastor Adeboye will pick up the microphone and mournfully tell his sympathetic congregation how he warned Nigerians to pray more.

Also, no other pastor can top Adeboye when it comes to displaying a mournful face.

Now the free moral for today: take a cue from Pa Adeboye and co. If your fame and fortune in life is dependent on the continued existence of Nigeria, then its time to maybe rethink your strategy.

The Laws of the Federal Republic of Nigeria won’t mean jack shit when there’s no Federal Republic of Nigeria.

Of course, it’s good to be optimistic about Nigeria, and at this blog, we’re fond supporters of Proudly Nigerian shenanigans. But it’s also better to be practical about reality. As Pastor Adeboye will advise you frankly, if you care to ask: “Brothers and sisters, in or out of the Lord, go ye into all the world and step up that long-suffering game of yours”.

…………………………….

Or just stay where you are and watch. Like the rest of us.

IDLEMINDSET | PROPHECY 101: THUS, SAYS NOT THE LORD

Today’s topic in Prophecy 101: How To Prophesy and Not Get Caught.  But first, a little introduction on the Nigerian mentality–our favourite topic on this blog.

Second only to pictures of girls doing weird stuff.

Ordinarily, there’s something enjoyable about watching someone stake his credibility on the uncertainty of the future.  If he effs up, God willing, we’ll be waiting to stone him with rotten eggs. But, the Nigerian style prophecies are a different matter. We treat prophecies as serious business, whether they ever get fulfilled or not. Every January, the media is flooded with prophecies ostensibly faxed straight from heaven.  Either in the form of a long list of possibilities or short snappy catchphrases to put on car bumpers: 2012-the year of great expectations; 2012, the year of supernatural wonders; 2012, the year of anything goes.

“2012, my year of not giving a shit.Wow! Wow! It came true! I’ve started not giving a shit anymore!”

One would think the copywriters in heaven would have made up their mind about what exactly will happen in 2012. One would also think Nigeria would have transcended the bounds of human knowledge, as we escape violence, survive disasters, make money on  foreign exchange trading while the rest of the world stands helplessly, begging us for spare change.

“Hallelluyah! The dollar fell just like pastor prophesied. We’re millionaires. Millionaires! Whoo!”

Well, seeing as I’m not driving a Porsche, and since neither are you, something must be screwy about our prophetic system. (If you are driving a Porsche, wow, man! Get out of here and go catch some fun!) For the rest of us mortals, let’s get to the main lesson. We’ll take a look at some of the top Google result prophecies and figure out what the hell is not right with our prophets.

For this lesson, you will need an inexhaustible capacity to assimilate bullshit.

Our first call is at this site,  where Prophet Michael of the Celestial Church of Christ gives not just the general summary for the year 2012, but also detailed monthly prophecies.

July: All the nations stood in awe of Nigeria’s House of Assembly. They had never seen idiocy and incompetence of such a magnificent scale.

This has got to be a July set in an alternate universe. Meanwhile, take a look at some of the prophetic entries for the year: “Foreign investors will come to negotiate unscrupulous deal.” Wow, how original!  “Riots, unrest and bombings at various places.” Wow, who could have seen that coming?  “Notorious leader of a gang will face the law“.

Aha, I see what you did there, prophet. Nicely done!

Here’s one you’ll like: “Danger looms at the President’s home.” Hell, yeah! “Mr. President’s home could shake. The Lord says it has already started brewing.” Wow, the Lord is really on Jonathan’s case this year! And to cap it off: “Change of government seen.” The Lord must be gunning hard for GEJ’s ass.

“My brother, what can I say? I’m an easy target.”

Meanwhile, a commenter also posted “I hope you and your group are praying because I saw the same thing last week…” Now, feel free to shiver.  As a bonus to Prophet Mike, God revealed the future of RCCG to our prophet here , without informing the RCCG Overseer himself, obviously because God wanted to give Pastor Adeboye a surprise New Year gift.

“Its not funny.”

The prophet at the Seed of God, on the other hand, is more global in outlook, and less grammatically inclined. For instance, he warns against “universal plain crash” which has to mean either an international earthquake or an unprecedented rise in ocean levels.

The prophet also passed geography in crashing colours.

Still on the global concerns, he prophesies that “David Cemeron, should be prayerful, else, he will not be back for second term in office.” On the assumption that this prophecy is for David Cameron and not David Cemeron (whoever that may be), I doubt the British PM would be worried about a second term when the British islands would definitely have disappeared with the eco-system distorting plain crash. As for our local politicians, it is prophesied that the crisis in Oyo state PDP is far from “been over“. I can imagine the dismay and agony this news mist have brought Oyo voters. “Oh Lord, no! Not another year of political party crisis! Help us, Lord!”

“What do you mean? That’s an excellent prophecy for ACN. Pop the corks, boys.”

Of course, since God has taken a keen interest in partisan politics, you have a treasure like : “As revealed by the almighty God, the Igbo race should stop dreaming about ruling Nigeria come 2015.” That’s it, my Igbo friends, you read it. God “almighty God” has spoken. No Aso Rock for the Igbo in 2015. Then there are some almost annoying prophecies: “Flood will ravage Lagos.” “More rainfall in 2012.” “People of Ibadan should pray against fire outbreak.” At this point I just want to crawl to a corner and cry for shame.

Oh Lord, the universal plain crash…the universal plain crash…the universal plain crash!

My favourite prophetic site is by Rev Wildfire D-Favour. That name is so kickass you can win a fight simply by telling your opponent the name. I thought the prophecies were going to be equally badass. But despite my careful analysis, I couldn’t quite make out a definite prophecy–or lack of it. Clever idea, I tell you.

3 months? And you have only 7 verses? Please respond to the query on why disciplinary action should not be taken against you–God.

The rest of the prophecy is a painful merger between the book of Isaiah and primary school poetry. There are lines such as “Swords clash in battle, and blood flow” and other gems capable of inducing brain death.  If Boko Haram bombs could be called “swords clashing in battle”, maybe he has a point. As for the gentleman, he states: “I am not at liberty to show those details as I am still interceding before the Lord, asking Him for mercy, considering that a lot of the things I saw are already beginning to happen.” The problem is, I still can’t finger what exactly are these “lots of things” and I’m sure the Lord is beginning to get bored with Nigeria’s issues one way or another. He has more pressing matters in Somalia.

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